The Fullness of Quiet Page 5

  I reached my hand out and touched the grass in front of us. It was soft to touch and I remembered a time when the grass was upturned soil, fresh from her burial.

  I looked up at the sky and the clouds. I watched the birds dance and hide between the fluffy white layers. Time will continue to go forwards. It will not stop and wait and the only way to keep up with it is to persevere with all your mortal strength. Time takes part in a race to the end and even then it continues like nothing has ever happened. Those who fall behind get left behind.

  “What are you thinking?” asked Joshua. I looked at him and smiled.

  “I’m thinking about how Time is so fragile and if you are not careful, then you will get left behind because it will not wait for you.” Joshua pondered what I’d said for a moment.

  “Maybe Time is a guardian and it nudges you along. Encourages you to grow and learn before you reach a point where you cannot anymore and that is when you get left behind.”

  I nodded. “Maybe. You never stop learning. Even when you are on your death bed.”

  “Yes.”

  We stood up and looked down at the headstone. I smiled at the thought that I’d shared this special moment with the person stood next to me.

  “Now I’m free for the day,” I signed. Joshua smiled. I took his hand and we began to make our way back towards home.

  Chapter 9

  Joshua hadn’t mentioned my Mum since we visited the graveyard. It seemed to be an area that he was anxious to avoid and I couldn’t work it out. I thought he would have wanted to know how she died and that. Or at least ask me if I’d visited that weekend. He avoided me the following Saturday morning and only appeared late in the afternoon when he knew I wouldn’t be visiting her grave. I don’t know if it made him feel uncomfortable or if he just didn’t know how to approach the subject. I was relatively open about that sort of stuff. I tried my best not to live in the past and to be grateful for the present.

  “Do you want Daddy to ring your mum and let her know you’re here?” Joshua shook his head. He’d been unusually quiet all day. He’d avoided me during school and hadn’t said much since. We were sat outside on the porch, enjoying the last few hours of sunlight. “What’s wrong, Joshua? You’ve been acting funny all day.”

  “There’s something I need to tell you. I just don’t know how to and I don’t like talking about it.”

  “What is it?” I put my hand on his leg for comfort.

  “She isn’t my mum,” he signed.

  “Who isn’t?”

  “The woman your dad calls. It’s my aunt.”

  I hesitated, unsure where this was going. “Okay. Is that a bad thing?”

  “No. The reason is. I...” He hesitated and then the movement of his hands became so rapid I had to really concentrate to keep up. “The only reason that I’m deaf is because of a car accident with my parents. We were driving home and a car appeared and hit us. The crash caused damage to my inner ear so that I can’t relay sound waves to my brain.

  "Both my parents were seriously injured. My mum was okay, she had a broken arm and other external injuries but my dad. My dad went into a coma. Is still in a coma. Mum realized that she couldn’t cope with me. Being deaf meant that I was too much hard work and she could barely look after herself. She didn’t have the time or energy to learn sign language with me and I had to learn on my own. She tried to get me into a disabled school but she’s been so torn up and broken about Dad that she just hasn’t paid much attention to anything.

  “She decided that it would be best for me if I went away for a while. I don’t know how long and I don’t even know if she remembers me. She spends most of her time at the hospital with Dad and she never calls to ask about me.

  “Here I am, living with my aunt who has had to start learning sign language just so she can accommodate me. Most of the time she doesn’t try and writes it down on the whiteboard. She has other kids to look after as well as me, I can’t demand all of her attention and I try not to. My cousins feel uncomfortable around me and don’t know what to say.

  “I feel like it’s all my fault.”

  As he spoke, I could feel my heart breaking inside. I couldn’t believe all the pain and hurt that he was going through and the fact that he had no-one to share it with. It explained a lot of things. Like how his signing was so poor, his confidence so low and his shyness so apparent.

  I reached up and threw my arms around his neck. I pulled him close to me and held him there. I felt him bury his face in my hair and I could feel my eyes welling up with tears. We sat clutching each other for a while before we finally let go.

  I looked at him and held his gaze, refusing to let him look away. I wanted to help in any way I could but I had never felt as hopeless as I did at that moment. I reached up and traced my fingers across his cheek. He placed his hand over the top of mine and held my gaze.

  “I am so sorry,” I signed, pulling away.

  “It’s not your fault.”

  “I know, but I wish there was something I could do to help.”

  “You have helped. In so many ways, Jocelyn. You have taught me to sign properly. You have shown me the true wonders of the simple world around me and you have taught me most importantly to treasure all of it, no matter how insignificant it may seem.”

  He picked up my hand and gently kissed my palm. His lips were so soft and they made my whole body shiver. I leaned forwards and kissed the top of his hair. He moved his face up to look at me and I kissed his cheek, then his lips. I touched him as lightly as possible, lingering on his skin. His hand moved up into my hair and brought me close to him once again. I could feel his warm breath against mine as he kissed me and I didn’t want the moment to end.

  He pulled away and looked me in the eyes. I smiled and bent my head down onto his lap. We sat watching the last of the sun as he gently pulled his fingers through my hair. It was therapeutic and relaxing. His other hand was interlocked with mine on his lap and his thumb lightly traced the outline of my lips.

  I think that’s the memory that sticks in my mind the clearest. It’s so precious to me. The way we could just be with each other and not feel the need to talk or do something. We would happily sit together in the comfort of knowing that the person sat with us was the one we wanted to be there.

  I don’t think I had ever been at such peace as I was then. It’s strange to think that at such a young age I could feel like that. He was the only person that had sparked such emotions in me. It surprised and scared me but the bliss he brought put all my troubles away.

  I sat up after the sun had set. “Are you going to stay for dinner?” I didn’t want him to leave. He nodded.

  After dinner, I approached Joshua with the questions that I was burning to ask. I waited until we were alone before broaching the subject.

  “Why didn’t you want to tell me about your parents?” Joshua took a deep breath.

  “It makes me sad and guilty, like it’s my fault.”

  “It isn’t, though. You should know that. You couldn’t have prevented that car hitting you anymore if you had had known it was going to happen.” Joshua shrugged.

  “I feel like such a failure. Even my own mother doesn’t have time for me.”

  “I’m sure that isn’t true. I know it may feel like that now because she’s sent you away from her but at the end of the day it’s what she believes is best for you. She’s put you in the care of someone who can look after you and as soon as your mum’s better she’ll be insisting that you’re back home.”

  “It’s just been so long.”

  “You all need to heal. It’s just unfortunate that you can’t do it together. I’m sure that if your dad had suffered similar injuries to your mum then everything would be fine. You would be at home and you could grow closer as a family. It’s just too stressful for your mum right now.”

  “There’s a lot of ‘if’s, Jocelyn. If we hadn’t gone out that night. If that driver hadn’t been on the road. If we’d swerved slightly di
fferently. There are a million possible ways things could have happened differently.”

  “Precisely. But it didn’t happen like that. It happened the way it did and there’s nothing you can do about it now. You need to face this head on and push yourself to make the best of it.”

  “You’re right. You’re always right,” he laughed.

  “Plus, if you hadn’t had the crash then we wouldn’t have met!”

  “And life would be incredibly uninteresting without you.” I smiled. “It’s time for me to go.” I nodded. We made our way to the porch and I closed the door behind me so we could have some privacy.

  “I’ll see you in school tomorrow,” I signed. Joshua took my hand and pulled me close to him. His lips pressed against mine and his hand was on my lower back. I moved a hand up into his soft brown hair and moved the other to his cheek. I parted my lips and I felt him do the same. Our bodies melted together perfectly. His hand caressed my cheek and held me to him.

  We pulled away and I looked into his blue eyes. They were bright and alive with a sparkle I knew and loved so well. Our faces were inches apart and our bodies were still pressed together.

  “I love you,” he signed. I was stunned. I kissed him hard and pulled away.

  “I love you, too, Joshua.” He beamed at me and kissed me again. I held his hand as he began to walk away from me until only the tips of our fingers were touching. I watched him walk down the road and didn’t pay any attention to the chilly night air. My whole body was on fire. Tears pricked the corners of my eyes and I just wanted to dance. My insides were all warm and fuzzy and I couldn’t stop smiling.

  I leaned against the front door and looked up at the bright full moon, high above me. I blew it a kiss before turning and walking back into the house.

  As happy as I was at that point in time, I was unaware that soon my whole world would feel like it was crumbling around me.

  Chapter 10

  I walked with Helen to school the next day like I always did. I said goodbye to her and made my way to my own school. Charlie was as happy as ever. It had been a while since we’d spent a decent amount of time together. She gave me the biggest hug ever.

  “How are you? We should do something after school!” she signed to me.

  “I’m good. How are you? We should. What do you want to do?”

  “I’m great. I don’t know. How about a sleepover and stay up late talking about boys! I haven’t had an update on Joshua in a while.” She winked at me. I laughed.

  “Okay. Sleepover it is. It’s a school night though so we’ll have to be extra good.” She fluttered her eyelids innocently.

  “I’m always good.”

  “No you’re not!” I laughed.

  Alex joined us and we made our way into class. I looked around the room but I couldn’t find Joshua. I frowned. It was unlike him to be late.

  The teacher started the day’s lessons and I felt agitated. I just hoped everything was okay. By break time, he still hadn’t arrived. I was become anxious and quiet.

  “What’s wrong?” asked Charlie.

  “Nothing,” I replied absentmindedly.

  “Yes there is. What is it?”

  “Joshua hasn’t turned up for school.”

  She looked at me and then looked around the playground. Alex approached us.

  “Jocelyn, have you seen Joshua? The teachers want to know where he is,” he asked.

  I shrugged. “I don’t know, Alex. I saw him last night.”

  “Okay. I’m sure he’s just sick.” I nodded. The rest of the day dragged on. I spent the afternoon with Charlie and we did a sleepover at mine. I wasn’t much fun though. I was distracted. She asked me about Joshua and I told her everything. I told her what it felt like to be around him and all the things we did together. I told her about the painting I did for him and our first kiss. I told her about him telling me he loved me. I didn’t leave out a single detail, I couldn’t. Every moment I’d spent with him had been precious and special in its own way, to leave any of them out would be an insult.

  Charlie was fascinated by everything I had to say. She asked me so many questions and so quickly. It was difficult keeping up. By the time I’d finished telling her everything, I was feeling much better. The memories of his gentleness seemed to have put me in a better mood and I felt thoroughly relieved.

  We played games for most of the evening such as Uno and other card games before finally turning in. I didn’t sleep very well that night.

  I dreamt of demons and masked faces. Of haunted places and ghosts. Of all manner of creatures that I couldn’t even begin to describe. I tossed and turned all night and woke up delirious, thinking my dreams were real.

  When I finally woke in the morning, I was exhausted. I had dark circles under my eyes and I couldn’t focus. Me and Charlie packed up her things, took Helen to school and arrived at our own school to find that Joshua was still missing.

  The days passed and still I hadn’t heard anything from him. He didn’t come to school and he didn’t call by my house any more. I didn’t know what to do. I was going to go and call on his aunt but I knew that none of the family would understand me.

  One day about a week after his disappearance, his name was removed from the register. I asked my teacher afterwards and she said that his aunt had called to say that he would no longer be attending this school. I felt broken.

  I didn’t know what was worse. That he’d left without telling me why or that he left without saying goodbye.

  Life went back to the way it was before I met Joshua. I didn’t think life was boring before him but now that he wasn’t around, I felt alone. He’d become such a big part of everything without me even realizing it.

  Daddy noticed that I’d been down. Helen noticed it as well. Charlie came and stayed over almost every week in the hope that her company would improve my mood. I appreciated her trying and I made an effort to return to my old self.

  I only managed this several weeks after he left. I’d tried so hard to remove him from my mind that I’d finally been able to block all the memories of my time with him. I don’t know how I managed it but I did. Everything went back to the way it was supposed to be. The way it used to be. I went to school, I hung out with Charlie and Alex, I helped Helen with her homework and told her more stories. Life settled back to the way it had always been.

  I’d taken flowers to Mum’s grave and sat for a while in the grass. I’d decided that it was time to let out all my emotions. I told Mum everything. I started from the very beginning and talked for hours, not in the way that I told Charlie. This time when I told it, I knew how it would end and I couldn’t help the tears. I cried and cried all afternoon.

  After that, I felt much better. It didn’t matter that Mum couldn’t help me, what mattered was that I’d said it all. Now that it’d been said, I could get over it all and move on.

  As I walked home, I enjoyed the beautiful sun, felt the light breeze on my face. I smiled the whole way, relieved and glad. Tomorrow would be a new day.

  Chapter 11

  I was tucking Helen into bed. She snuggled down and lay back. I was expecting her to ask for a story but instead she asked me if I missed Joshua. I didn’t know what to say. I hadn’t thought of Joshua since I’d been to Mum’s grave and that was months ago. Joshua had been gone for almost a year now and life had just continued without him.

  “Yes,” I replied.

  “Where is he?” she asked me. Sometimes her innocence would strike me, render me speechless.

  “I don’t know,” I answered, honestly.

  “Why?”

  “Why what?”

  “Why don’t you know?”

  “He never told me.”

  “That was not very nice.”

  “It wasn’t his fault, Helen.”

  “Whose fault is it?”

  “It isn’t anyone’s fault.”

  “How does that work?”

  “Some situations can’t be controlled. It’s like when Daddy
tells you what to do. Or when you finish Primary School you have to leave and go onto Secondary School.”

  “I miss him though. He was nice to talk to.”

  “Yes he was. Would you like a story tonight?” Helen nodded eagerly. “Once upon a time in a far away kingdom lived a big, old, ugly Ogre. He believed that he was not really an ogre but a beautiful unicorn and nobody would believe him. Everyone he tried to tell would run and scream from him in terror because ogres ate people for their dinner.

  “The Ogre decided that he would travel across the land in the hope of finding someone who would listen to him. On his travels he met a lovely little Fairy. The Fairy told him that he had to find someone of royal blood to kiss him and then he would be transformed back into his original self but if he had been lying then he would be turned into an ugly boar and be hunted by everyone.

  “The Ogre said he would do it so he could prove to everyone that he had been telling the truth the whole time. He went straight to the King and appealed to him but on seeing him, the King had him thrown out the castle. Sad and lonely, the Ogre wandered in the forest. It was then that he heard a beautiful voice singing. He followed the voice to where a young Girl sat by a well. She was lowering a bucket into the dark hole. When she saw him she screamed and ran away.

  “The Ogre, feeling awful, sat by the well and cried. He cried and howled and yet the misery would not leave him. When he had exhausted himself he sat there and thought about what he was going to do next. He pulled on the rope that the young girl had lowered into the well and drank the whole bucket of water. He lowered it into the well again and drew up another full bucket. This one he left by the well for the Girl should she ever return for it.

  “As the Ogre got up to leave, he heard a small voice behind him. He turned to see the young Girl peeking out from behind the tree.

  “’Why do you cry?’ she asked him.

  “’Because I am ugly and I scare away everyone when I do not mean to. All I want is a peaceful life.’ The Ogre sat back down on the ground and began to cry again. The Girl came over and looked at the bucket.