The Fullness of Quiet Read online

  I looked down at my lap and continued making the flower chain. He watched me and didn’t move or sign the whole time. Once I’d finished I held it up to show him. The muscles in his face didn’t move but I could see the smile sparkle in his eyes. He took it carefully from my hands and placed it on my head. I barely felt his fingers brush my hair. I smiled and laughed. He smiled back but his heart didn’t seem to be in it.

  “What’s wrong?” I asked. He just shook his head. “You don’t like talking much do you?” Again he shook his head. “Why?” He looked away. When he looked back at me, there was a strange expression on his face.

  “It’s hard for me to sign. I don’t know what to say,” he replied. He stopped and I was unsure if he was going to tell me more. I tried to prompt him or ask more questions but he refused to answer them.

  “Sorry.”

  “It’s okay. It’s just hard.” We sat in silence for a while. The sun was beginning to set and the air was growing chilly. I felt the goose bumps on my arms and looked down at the fascinating hair follicles. I lightly traced my finger over them completely absorbed in their unusual formation. I felt Joshua’s hand on my arm, and I felt a different kind of shiver run through my body. I looked up so quickly he drew away from me. I could see his deep blue eyes studying me and I felt naked. They seemed to be burning with a thousand questions. He looked away from me and I blushed.

  “It’s getting cold,” I signed. He nodded.

  “I need to go,” he answered. I nodded. We walked slowly back to where we’d dropped our bags, each not wanting the other to leave. We lingered by the roadside and looked out at the setting sun. I turned to Joshua and smiled.

  “That’s my house there,” I signed and then pointed. “Do you want to come in for some biscuits?” Joshua shook his head and looked down at his feet. I leaned forward and gave him a kiss on the cheek. He looked up at me. A slight blush on his cheeks. I smiled, picked up my rucksack and headed on home. Daddy would be wondering where I’d got to. I didn’t look back but I could feel Joshua’s eyes burning into my back.

  I opened the front door and peeked into the living room. Helen rushed up to greet me and Daddy asked me where I’d been. I explained about Joshua.

  “I just wanted to make friends with him, Daddy. He didn’t seem to be doing very well at school. He’s really quiet.” Daddy nodded. Helen took me by the hand and guided me into the kitchen. When she was younger she would demand that I’d close my eyes but Daddy had to teach her how different I was. She had to learn that by simply closing my eyes I was shutting off one of my remaining four senses. It never made me feel particularly comfortable.

  Helen had adapted though. As she had in every other aspect of life that involved me. She just simply led me by the hand and I knew it was supposed to be something exciting or important to her.

  She led me to the dining room table and rummaged in her rucksack. She pulled out a colorful drawing of three people. Her untidy scrawl read ‘Daddy, Jocelyn and me’ underneath in blue. In the background was a bright sun and in the corner I was sure was Mum’s grave.

  Helen had never really been old enough to understand Mum’s death. She just knew that she didn’t have a Mum. She didn’t really know why and I don’t think she really missed her to be honest. I think I stepped in when it came to the areas where a motherly role would be necessary. It made me sad to think that this poor little girl not only had no mother but had a sister that couldn’t even hear what she was trying to tell her.

  “Why are you sad?” she asked me.

  “I’m not,” I replied. “I’m just thinking.” She looked at me skeptically but turned her attention back to the picture on the table. She knew when it was best not to press me for details.

  “It’s you, me and Daddy,” she signed. “I drew it at school today. My teacher said it was really good.”

  I smiled. “It is,” I signed back. “You are a little artist.” I could see her laugh and for the millionth time wished that I could hear it.

  Chapter 5

  I thought everything would be different at school. I thought that Joshua would be my friend. After the time we’d spent together the previous day, I was shocked when he acted exactly the same as every other day. I watched him walk into the classroom, stunned that he didn’t even look at me or say ‘Hi’. I dropped my eyes to my desk and thought for a long time.

  Joshua was strange. There was no doubt about that. I was sure I’d made it clear that I wanted to be his friend. Maybe I hadn’t been clear enough. I tried to think back to the moment we decided to leave the day before. I’d asked him something personal and he’d been reluctant to tell me. Maybe I’d pushed him too far. There was a reason why he was the way he was but I was clueless.

  Alex walked into the classroom and gave me a kiss on the cheek, startling me out of my reverie. I looked up and smiled at him. He was such a sweetheart. Charlie who was already seated on my other side, nudged me. I had no idea how long she’d been sat there. The biggest problem about sign language is that it’s almost impossible to have a private conversation unless you’re on your own. Unfortunately at school, this didn’t happen very often.

  “Joshua’s looking at you,” she signed. Alex’s head snapped up and he scanned the room, looking for the new boy. I tugged his sleeve violently. He looked back at me, eyes wide.

  “Stop it,” I signed. “I walked home with him yesterday.” I had blushed and I could feel my cheeks burning. Charlie was smiling at me. I tried to hide my face behind my hand and hair so Joshua wouldn’t see but I knew it was pointless. If he had been looking at me, he would have seen Charlie sign to me. I could just imagine his bashful eyes looking away quickly and his blush spreading through his cheeks. My own blush intensified at the thought. I could feel Charlie grinning like a fool.

  I turned my body towards the front of the class and refused to pay her any attention. As much as I tried to look like I wasn’t thinking about Joshua, I couldn’t get him out of my head. I stared at the back of him for most of the morning and it dragged on slower than I thought was possible. I hadn’t once looked at the teacher drawing diagrams and signing the lesson to us. I think the vacant expression on my face kept her from asking me any questions.

  The small red beacon in the top corner of the room flashed, announcing break time. The teacher approached my desk before I had gathered my things and asked me to stay behind. I sighed and sank back into my chair.

  After everyone had left, I approached my teacher’s desk and the look on her face was full of concern. She asked me if I was okay and I replied that everything was fine. She didn’t look convinced. I shrugged my shoulders.

  “It’s unlike you to be not paying attention Jocelyn,” she signed. I looked at my feet. When I looked back at her she was still waiting for a reply.

  “I’m sorry, Miss. I have a few things on my mind. I’ll try to be better after break.”

  “Anything I can help with?” I shook my head. She was such a nice lady. Kind and caring, not too harsh or quick to judge. She still didn’t look content with my answer but she let me go anyway.

  I walked out of the classroom, not really noticing what was around me. I felt a tap on my shoulder and looked up to see Joshua looking apprehensive. Before I could say anything he signed that he was sorry. I gave a small smile. There was nothing for him to be sorry about and I think he realized that but wanted to help anyway. We walked down the corridor, towards the playground.

  “Why did Miss want to see you?” he asked.

  “I wasn’t paying much attention in class,” I answered.

  “Why?” I was surprised by his keenness to want to talk but I took full advantage of it.

  “I don’t know.” I shrugged. “My mind was elsewhere.”

  ‘What were you thinking about?’

  ‘Yesterday.’

  ‘What, me?’ I was amazed at the way he engaged with me. It was still tricky for me to understand his hand movements. They were jerky and inaccurate but I managed to work it out
. I nodded in response to his question but tried very hard not to look at him. I was always an overly honest person and I was kicking myself for it.

  We had emerged into the sunlight. Joshua hadn’t responded to my answer yet. He stood looking out at the fresh day. A small smile was dancing around his lips. I’d never seen him looking so peaceful before. I followed his gaze and from our vantage point we could just about see everyone in the playground. Some were sat on a low wall, swinging their legs and signing to each other. Some were playing basketball in wheelchairs on the small tarmac court. Some were playing with skipping ropes and others were just lying on the grass and appreciating the warm weather.

  “Can I walk home with you again today, please?” he signed to me. I nodded.

  “Yes. I have to pick up my little sister on the way.”

  “That’s fine.” He smiled again. “I like your little sister. What’s her name?”

  “Helen,” I replied. I spelt out each letter and watched him looking at my hands. I deliberately signed to him slower than I would if I was talking to Charlie or Alex. I don’t know if he noticed but I didn’t mean it offensively, I just wanted him to understand. I figured that I’d gradually speed up until I could talk to him like everyone else.

  “Would you like to go sit on the grass?” I asked him. He shook his head.

  “Your friends are waiting for you,” he replied slowly. He pointed over to the left side of the playground where Charlie and Alex were sat. I could see they were glancing over at us every now and again and I knew he’d seen it as well. I let my eyes drop to the ground and walked over to where my friends were. I knew he’d watch me go and I knew he wouldn’t follow.

  “Hi, Jocelyn,” signed Alex.

  “Hi, Alex,” I replied.

  “What were you and Joshua talking about?” asked Charlie, eagerly. I knew she already knew. She just wanted to torment me by bringing his name up in conversation.

  The rest of the day went pretty slowly. I managed to finally concentrate on my teacher but everything just seemed so dull. I knew it was all because I was looking forward to walking home with Joshua. It was weird, but I just felt so comfortable around him.

  We walked home together every day that week. And every week after that. It just seemed natural as we were both going in the same direction. Helen began to include Joshua in her conversations and would ask how his day was and what he’d been doing. He rarely asked questions back but he answered the ones she asked him. I had to explain to her several times that she had to slow down when signing to Joshua but it never lasted for long. Her excitement would get the better of her and she would get carried away again.

  I remember the look of shock on Joshua’s face when I gave him his first hug. It wasn’t anything particularly special. As I said goodbye to him one afternoon, I hugged him. And for a second I was unsure as to whether he would hug me back. But after a moment’s hesitation, I felt his arms wrap themselves around me and hold me close. We stood like that for a while before we both pulled away. I smiled at him and he just blushed. He looked unsure of himself and couldn’t concentrate on his hand movements so I had no idea what he was trying to say to me but I assumed it was his usual goodbye before he hurried on home, not looking back.

  Chapter 6

  We were sat in the field outside my house again. It was our favorite place to come after school. The grass was so tall that once you sat down, only the top of your head could be seen. The tall stems waved in the breeze to passers-by. To me it was just inviting. I liked to see what flowers I could find. There were always these little blue ones. But you had to look real careful because they were so small. I could see the trail we’d made when we’d tried to find somewhere to settle down. It gave away our position.

  I pointed it out to Joshua but he didn’t seem to be interested. He really did confuse me. On some days he would be happy and chirpy and would have found something like that funny or at least interesting but other days, like today, he would find everything uninteresting and be reluctant to partake in any conversation. I didn’t know what to do.

  “What’s wrong?” I signed.

  “Nothing,” he replied. He knew, that I knew, he was lying but he still wouldn’t tell me.

  I stood up and took his hand. He looked up at me, surprised by my actions. I led him through the field towards my house. He tried to sign to me but I told him not to speak. It would be easier to show him.

  Next to my house was a small copse of trees. I used to pretend it was my very own forest filled with magical creatures such as fairies and ogres. The fairies were my friends and they’d always help me when I needed them to. I didn’t have to sign to them because they could hear my thoughts.

  I led Joshua to the small copse and we made our way between the trees. Their trunks were so big I wouldn’t have been able to get my arms around them. The branches were fresh with new green leaves and their roots delved deep into the soil beneath our feet. In the middle of the copse was my secret hide-out. It was hidden in a tree whose branches were so thick and full of leaves, it was impossible to see anything between them. At the base of the tree was a dense bush. I skillfully made my way through, slowly guiding Joshua until we had reached the trunk of the tree.

  Nailed to the tree’s trunk was a series of wooden planks and I began to climb them. When I reached the top, I climbed onto a wooden platform and looked back to help Joshua. He looked up at me with a quizzical expression and then followed me up. When he got to the top, he climbed onto the platform and stood next to me.

  “What is this place?” he signed to me.

  “My old tree house,” I replied with a smile. I could feel my cheek muscles spreading into a wide grin but I couldn’t help myself. The look on Joshua’s face was so amazed.

  The tree house had three walls, all of which had a small square window in the centre. In the middle of the space inside, there was a rickety table and two chairs, all made from wood. In the corner was a plastic box looking very out of place. I opened it and showed him an array of slingshots and toy guns.

  “My protection,” I signed to him. He looked at everything in wonder. “Now will you please smile.” He laughed out loud and then looked shocked at his actions. It was the first time he’d laughed around me. I laughed with him. “I bet you cannot throw as far as me on the slingshot.” I took out a metal tin full of pebbles, placed it on the table and then removed two slingshots, handing one to him. He smiled at me slyly and reached into the tin for some stones.

  We leaned out of the window and took it in turns firing pebbles into the clearing below.

  “I have an idea,” he signed. He poured all the pebbles in the tin onto the table and then climbed down the ladder. I leaned out of the window to see him place the small tin in the middle of the clearing and then he climbed back up the ladder. “Whoever gets the most stones in the tin is the champion.” I laughed at him and we began dividing up the stones on the table, taking it in turns to pick the best ones.

  We leaned back out of the window taking it in turns to fire at the tin. By the time we’d spent all our ammunition, neither of us had succeeded. I sank to the floor of the tree house, laughing and smiling. Joshua come over and sat next to me.

  “Why do you come here?” he asked.

  “Because look.” I pointed out the window on the opposite wall to us and just above the tree canopy you could see the sky turning pink as the sun set.

  “Wow, it is beautiful.” I nodded in agreement and let my head sink onto his shoulder. “This was fun, Jocelyn.” I’d never seen him sign my name before. I know it must sound silly because all sign language seems the same, but surprisingly it isn’t. Each person signs in a slightly different way. Much like when you speak, you can have an accent. It’s the same concept. As I watched his hands move and spell out the letters, I smiled. I looked up at his face.

  “What?” he asked, confused.

  “That’s the first time you’ve ever signed my name.” Neither of us had anything to say. We sat watching t
he sun, content with silence. I reached over and took his hand. I wanted to be as close to him as I could. I expected him to pull away but instead he opened his palm out and let my fingers slide in between his. I smiled and we sat for a while, not moving, embracing the moment.

  After a while, I glanced down at my watch and noticed the time. I let go of Joshua’s hand and signed to him that it was time for dinner in my house. All the happy energy from the afternoon evaporated from Joshua’s face in that instead. I felt the complete bliss inside me die a little.

  “Have dinner at mine?” I suggested. Joshua looked skeptical. “It’s fine. Daddy can ring your mum and let her know you’re here. He won’t mind.” I smiled at him.

  “Okay,” he signed. We climbed down the ladder and collected as many pebbles as possible to replace the ones from the tin. I hid the tin in the middle of the bush, at the base of the tree-house tree so Helen could take it up with her the next time she went up.

  Daddy must have heard the door open because his head appeared around the doorframe a few seconds after I stepped into the house. If he was surprised at seeing Joshua, he didn’t look it.

  “Is Joshua okay to stay for dinner please, Daddy?” He nodded and asked if I needed him to phone Joshua’s parents. I nodded. It amazed me how understanding he could be sometimes. Daddy asked Joshua if he could come dial the number on the phone for him. I nodded encouragingly at him, knowing how shy he got in a new situation. Still unsure of himself, Joshua walked ahead of me into the kitchen where Daddy was.

  Helen was sat at the big oak table in the middle of the room, doing what I presumed was her homework. Her little brown eyes lit up when she saw me.

  “Look what I’ve been doing, Jocelyn.” I came round the table and looked at her colorful collage. She’d been sticking pictures of a selection of toys on a piece of paper. I kept an eye on Joshua with Daddy, just to make sure he was okay but I couldn’t help compare the way they’d both signed my name. Helen had been doing it for years but for some reason Joshua’s seemed more fluid. As if he’d been practicing and practicing until he’d got the movement of it perfect.