The Fullness of Quiet Read online

  “’You cannot be that bad,’ she said gently. ‘You filled my bucket up for me.’

  “’It was in case you came back,’ he replied. The young Girl went to the Ogre and wrapped her arms around him. She gave him a single kiss on the cheek and in that instant he magically transformed into a large white unicorn with a purple and pink horn.

  “’The spell is broken,’ cried the Unicorn. The young Girl laughed. She took off her long brown cape to reveal the garments of a princess underneath. The Unicorn was so grateful that he served the Princess for the rest of his life and lived in the palace with her. They remained the best of friends and lived happily ever after. The end.”

  Helen clapped in her excitement. “I want a unicorn,” she said.

  “They’re not real,” I answered. “Sleep time now.” She settled down in her bed and I gave her a kiss on the cheek. “Goodnight, Helen.”

  I turned out the light and went back downstairs to see Daddy. I gave him a kiss goodnight and then went to my room.

  I wasn’t tired; I just wanted to be on my own. I was thinking hard about what Helen had said. Because we don’t have Mum around I have to step into her shoes when it comes to looking after Helen and she amazed me. She was so intelligent and in tune with other people.

  I lay on my bed, fully clothed and stared at my ceiling. I thought about poor little Helen, not knowing much about the world, Daddy who had to put up with us, Charlie who tried her best to keep my spirits up, Alex who didn’t know what to do around me anymore and I thought about Joshua.

  I thought about the emotions I had when he left, the emotions I had when he was here, the things that he didn’t understand or see when I first met him, the story of his parents. I thought about his facial expressions, the vulnerability in his eyes, the way he would avoid looking at me when he didn’t know what to say, the way he looked at me before he kissed me.

  Curiously there was no longer a need for him. The numbness I had felt when he disappeared just faded and now I didn’t know how or what I felt. Fed up of my own thoughts, I picked up a book on my bedside table. After a minute of reading, I put it down. I didn’t want to read a romance right now. I wasn’t in the right state of mind.

  In the end, I got up and dragged my school books to my desk. Everything was getting ridiculous, especially if I was now at the point where I couldn’t even be alone with my own thoughts any more. Not even reading was a good enough distraction.

  I labored away at my work until my eyelids became heavy and even then I worked on. It was two in the morning before I switched the light out and I simply collapsed onto my bed, not even bothering to undress.

  “Are you okay?” asked Charlie.

  “I’m fine,” I answered slowly. “My mind wouldn’t shut up last night so I worked until two this morning.” Charlie studied me carefully.

  “What was on your mind?”

  “Everything. It’s been a while since I’ve let myself think and it all caught up to me. Once the barrier was down there was no way of putting it back up.” I laughed a little and Charlie smiled. She gave me hug and took me by the hand as we went into class.

  The day passed the same as any other. I was stood waiting for Helen to come out of school but I couldn’t see her. Her whole class had been dismissed but she was nowhere to be found. I frowned. It was unlike her to be late. I knew she loved school but she always rushed out to tell me all about it. I walked through the gates, against the flow of people. I made my way up the stone steps and into the building.

  I was unsure where her classroom was but to my relief there were signs posted on the walls. The last thing I wanted to do was ask for help. I doubted anybody here would be able to sign or even understand me. I found her classroom and peeked my head around the door. The teacher was clearing away a few things on her desk. She looked up at me as I approached and said something. I signed to her that I was deaf and she looked at me for a second before slowly signing the letters of my name. I pointed to myself and nodded.

  The woman stood from her desk and shook my hand. Then she picked up a board marker in her hand and began to write on the board. I’m sorry, I can only sign the alphabet. I smiled. At least she’d tried. Your sister, Helen, went home at lunch time. She said she wasn’t feeling very well. I frowned and nodded, showing that I understood what she had written.

  I signed thank you to her but she just looked at me puzzled so I wrote it on the board. She laughed and nodded. Confused by her reaction I left and walked quickly home, worrying the whole way.

  I walked through the front door and Daddy appeared almost immediately. Before I could say anything he stopped me.

  “Everything is fine,” he signed. I let out a deep breath and felt a weight lift from my shoulders.

  “What was wrong with her? Where is she?”

  “She was just feeling under the weather. A new sickness bug or something. She’s upstairs resting.” I nodded and made my way up the staircase. I opened the door a notch to see her curled up in bed facing me. She smiled at me but it didn’t hide the grayness of her skin.

  I sat on the edge of her bed and put the back of my hand to her forehead, checking her temperature. She was boiling. I felt her palms and they were clammy. I frowned.

  “It is just a sick bug,” she signed to me. “I will be better tomorrow.”

  I kissed her forehead and left, allowing her to rest.

  Chapter 12

  The next day Helen was dancing around the house, her usual bubbly self. I could see that Daddy was still concerned about her. It was rare she was ill and when she was, it lasted days, sometimes weeks. This time the ‘bug’ had lasted less than a day; something wasn’t right.

  I didn’t think too much of it at the time. After all there was nothing physically wrong with her and she said she felt fine. She insisted on going to school and I told her that if she had the smallest feeling of not being well then she was to tell her teacher and come straight home.

  I walked her into her class and went to speak to her teacher myself. As she saw me approaching she pulled out a piece of paper to write on. Helen said something and her teacher stopped to look at me. I signed to Helen and she translated for her teacher. I asked her to just keep an eye on Helen for me and send her home if she gets under the weather again. I was concerned that she was up and about so soon.

  Her teacher nodded in response. I said goodbye to Helen and headed to school. Charlie was waiting for me outside the school gates. She looked worried.

  “Hello,” I signed.

  “Hello. How are you? There’s something you should know.” She was hesitant in speaking and kept glancing towards the playground the whole time.

  “What is it, Charlie?”

  She looked at me anxiously.

  “Joshua’s back.” I didn’t move. I didn’t know how to react. The expression on her face told me she wasn’t lying. She wouldn’t joke about something like this anyway. I looked past her into the playground but all I saw were the familiar faces that swarmed around me every day. I felt faint.

  Charlie grabbed my arm. She linked hers through mine and steered me towards the building.

  “Don’t worry,” she signed as we moved. “I’ll look after you. You don’t have to talk to him. Act like it doesn’t matter. I’m here for you and so is Alex, we always will be. Okay?” I nodded slowly.

  The next thing I knew, I was sitting down in my chair. I didn’t look around the classroom and nor did I want to. My vision became a tunnel that was focused entirely upon the teacher in front of me and yet I could feel the suffocating oppression invading from every side. He was in the room and I knew it. I could feel it. I didn’t want to see him.

  I’d got on with my life and I did not need him back, so why was he here. I’d managed perfectly well without him. I’d convinced myself I’d never see him again and that was good enough for me.

  I realized how foolish I was acting. I tried to isolate the emotion that I felt for him but I couldn’t. I breathed deeply and tried to
relax myself to review the situation. I couldn’t say for definite whether I was scared of seeing him or simply still in love with him. I found that the sudden shock was more nerves than anything else. What would be said between us was the main question. Would either of us say anything at all? My mind began to wander and came back to the question: did anything need to be said?

  I let out a long steady breath and focused on my teacher. The world wasn’t ending. I didn’t need to worry.

  Charlie kept glancing at me out of the corner of her eye. She was so worried that I was going to suddenly go off the rails. I hadn’t really talked about Joshua much since he left. I guess that it was something she considered a tender spot for me and until that morning I’d never considered it but after my reaction to the news I realized it was the truth. I just didn’t want to admit it.

  We filed out of the building for break time and that was when I saw him. He was stood leaning against the wall signing to a group of lads stood with him. He hadn’t changed much. His hair looked longer, he was taller and he dressed differently but he was still the same person. I studied him for a while.

  His mannerisms were different. He slouched more, stood with his hands in his pockets when he wasn’t signing and it looked like he was chewing gum. I frowned slightly and we went to join Alex underneath one of the trees. It was getting really warm again and the only place in which we could enjoy the sunshine was in the shade of the trees.

  I sat down and glanced back over to where he was stood. He was looking at me. I didn’t know for how long he’d been watching me but he immediately looked away as if he hadn’t even been paying attention.

  I did my best to ignore him but for some reason he was always exactly where I didn’t want him to be. I was dreading what would happen at the end of the day. I still hadn’t made up my mind if I should speak to him but he made my decision for me.

  When school finished he chatted to his friends a bit more, said goodbye and then left. I was walking not far in front of him, but I knew he could see me. My heart was hammering in my chest. I stopped by Helen’s school and picked her up. He walked straight past me and didn’t even acknowledge me. I watched him walk away. His walk was different. Helen tugged on my hand and we made our way home.

  Everything continued like that for some time. He never once said ‘Hi’ to me or even noticed I was around. I couldn’t work out what bothered me more; his arrogance, or his stubbornness. I couldn’t have changed that much in a year. He hadn’t and I’d recognized him straight away. I couldn’t understand his reasoning.

  It got to a point when I would dread being near him. If we were ever placed in the same group for tasks he would just talk to me like any other person he didn’t converse with regularly. I didn’t encourage him to talk to me, I didn’t want to. I was so angry with him I couldn’t make up my mind what to do about it.

  Charlie just told me to ignore him. She said he obviously wasn’t worth it and Alex agreed with her but as much as I trusted them, I felt there was something deeper and more serious going on here.

  Like everything else that had happened in the past year, I just got on with it. I got used to the irritating feeling that he aroused in me and I learnt to ignore it. I got used to his obnoxious attitude towards me and I learnt to ignore it.

  There wasn’t really anything I could or wanted to do about it so I didn’t bother.

  Chapter 13

  Helen had been poorly again. She was sent home from school once the following week and twice again the week after. Whenever I found her in bed, she was as pale as the sheets around her and dark circles sat under her eyes.

  I spoke to Daddy about it. He was really worried. We agreed that it was time we took her to see the doctor. Both me and Helen skipped school the next day and we were all sat anxiously waiting to be called into the office. The doctor asked us to explain what had been going on.

  I watched Daddy as he spoke and picked up some of what he was saying. I signed to him when I thought there were details that he’d missed but mostly I just sat, waiting. When Daddy had finished, the doctor sat thinking. He looked from Daddy to me and then settled his gaze on Helen. I don’t think she really understood what was going on. The reason why we’d brought her to the doctor. To her it was just some bug but to us it was a bit more serious.

  She would have a fever all day and would constantly be sick. She would complain of headaches and feel constantly tired. It seemed too much for a little girl to handle.

  The doctor spoke to Helen for a few minutes and then turned back to Daddy. He explained that he wanted to run a few tests. He wanted a scan, a chest x-ray and some blood samples. Daddy nodded gravely and we left.

  The appointments were scheduled in the space of the next few weeks. Helen continued to go to school but the days she had to go to hospital, we all went with her.

  Finally everything had been sent off for examination and now all we had to do was wait. The atmosphere in the house had been tense for a while. The strain was pushing us dangerously close to the edge. My studies began to slide and I couldn’t keep up with them anymore. I couldn’t focus at all. My homework was rarely finished and I never listened in class. My teacher had made several attempts at speaking to me, encouraging me, asking me to confide in her or at least someone. I couldn’t. She said that if things didn’t improve she would have to bring Daddy in. That was the last thing I wanted. He was already worried enough with Helen, I didn’t want to be an extra burden to him.

  Daddy got a phone call from the hospital about the results. We all went but the doctor asked if me and Helen could wait outside. He said it would be best if he spoke to Daddy on his own first.

  I didn’t like the sound of it but I kept Helen entertained as we waited. We were sat there for about half an hour before the office door opened and the doctor appeared. He asked us to come in. I took Helen’s hand and we walked into the office. Daddy didn’t look too good and I had a bad feeling about it.

  The doctor started talking to Helen and Daddy translated for me. I couldn’t believe what he was telling me. I gripped the arms of my chair until my knuckles turned white. My breathing became shallow and uneven. I looked down at my darling little sister sat next to me. She was so innocent and naive in so many ways.

  Helen had a brain tumor.

  The impact of those words was like a sledgehammer in the stomach. It made me bend over and feel sick. I took some deep breaths and composed myself. Helen would need me be to be emotionally strong now. If I broke down, she would feel like the world was ending around her.

  The doctor explained that he was going to refer us to a specialist and find out whether the tumor was malignant or not but it definitely needed removing. I looked at my poor little sister. The weight of this information didn’t have much of an impact on her, the seriousness of her condition.

  We left the hospital and the day was sunny. I didn’t know how anything could be bright and happy today. I didn’t understand how the world could just be the same, mine certainly wasn’t now. Everything had changed.

  When we finally got to see the specialist, we were still hopeful. It wasn’t much use. The tumor was dangerous. She needed to be in theatre before the end of next week. To think of Helen’s small frail body under the knife made me shiver.

  I practically abandoned my school work in those weeks. There was no point in doing it. My teacher had been informed of what was happening at home and stopped pestering me to do my work. I was a pity case.

  The day of Helen’s operation drew nearer and we were all anxious. Charlie came over to see Helen and she brought some flowers with her. Helen didn’t seem to understand why we were so serious. She knew she was having an operation. To her it wasn’t that big a deal, but to us it was a whole other story. We knew the statistics behind the procedure and they were not as positive as we hoped. So many things could go wrong and to make things worse, if the operation went well, there was no guarantee that the tumor would be completely gone.

  Helen did grow weaker in
those last few days. She seemed to lose all strength and enthusiasm to do the simplest of tasks. The doctor had said this was likely to happen. He said it’s hard to determine the strength of tumors and the only way to do so is the symptoms. He said that it was likely that she would become unstable on her feet and give up on doing most things and that’s just what had happened. It wasn’t a good sign. It told us that the tumor was strong.

  I cried myself to sleep most nights.

  Charlie had taken to staying over my house recently. She knew I needed her around. She didn’t sleep in my room though; she stayed downstairs on the sofa. It was easier that way. I didn’t like being around people all the time any more.

  She walked with me to school and signed the whole way, hoping to engage a reaction or response from me. Tomorrow was Helen’s operation. I’d decided that today I was going to make an effort to get myself back on track.

  When the day was over, I felt satisfied that I’d made sufficient effort for the day. It was the first start of everything going right again. At least that’s what I tried telling myself. I didn’t want to contemplate what the other outcome of the operation could be.

  School wasn’t necessarily hard because the work was difficult. It was hard because every minute I was there, my brain was crying out to be at home. To be looking after Helen. Daddy had stopped working for the time being to take care of her twenty-four-seven and I just hoped it wasn’t putting too much strain on him. I gave him some story books so he could read to her during the afternoons when she was awake. If she was awake. She was getting to the point where she slept more than anything and it was rare that she was able to hold a conversation.

  The doctor had warned us but that didn’t make it any easier to bear. No matter what someone may tell you, it will never prepare you for the real situation. It simply convinces your mind that you’re ready and can handle it and when reality hits home it’s so much worse than what you anticipated.