The Fullness of Quiet Read online

  Helen went into hospital the day before the operation so she could get settled down and rest before the next day. It also meant that the nurses could monitor and make sure everything was okay.

  I wasn’t old enough to stay with her so I got the bus home and Daddy slept on a camp bed in her room. I cooked myself dinner and Charlie came over. We watched some television and then put a girly chick-flick on. It was nice to just relax. I tried my best to not think about Helen, she was with Daddy in the safest environment possible.

  As the evening wore on we got the ice cream out and between us we managed to consume the whole tub. We both finally fell asleep in the middle of a film and woke up to the faint sunlight fighting to get through the curtain.

  Charlie packed up her stuff and headed to school. She said she’d come see me after school and find out how it all went. I got a bus to the hospital just as they were preparing Helen for theatre. I gave her a kiss and told her not to worry. I’d be waiting for her.

  She smiled at me weakly and let the nurses handle everything. I sat down with Daddy and we waited. We waited for a very long time. Neither of us spoke. There was nothing to say. I held Daddy’s hand, knowing that he needed me.

  The time ticked by so slowly. It trickled by like a small stream in the woods, it ran a race like a snail or tortoise, it paused like a father waiting for the news of his newborn baby. It was painful. Eventually, in what seemed a millennium, the doctor walked into the room and announced that everything was fine. He told us that the operation went smoothly and Helen is now recovering. He led us through a long white corridor into a ward where patients were sleeping in their beds. The bright white lights made everything seem surreal.

  We sat by her bed for over half an hour before the anesthetic finally wore off and Helen’s eyes fluttered open. She squeezed my hand and blinked several times. She tried to focus on us but before she could, she’d gone back to sleep.

  The doctor had her wheeled back onto the ward and we sat with her until she was fully conscious.

  Chapter 14

  It was nice to finally see her awake. I helped her to sit up in bed and she chatted to us. She was still drowsy so her actions were lazy and inaccurate. That was the least of my worries though.

  Charlie dropped by sometime in the late afternoon to see how everything was and she was so thrilled to see Helen awake and looking better already. Daddy sat in the corner whilst Charlie took centre stage and told Helen some funny stories. I think both of us were very grateful. We’d been so stressed out with worry and the effort of not showing it that we were both exhausted from the past few weeks.

  After visiting hours were over we all went home and me and Daddy promised to come back the next day. Helen was perfectly happy with being on her own. The nurses had brought her some puzzle books to play with and keep her occupied whilst we weren’t there.

  The weeks after the operation were better. Relief was the strongest atmosphere in the house. Helen spent most of her time curled up on the sofa with a carton of orange juice and her favorite films. I had to go back to school but I’d been determined to try to get everything back to the way it should be.

  I came home from school and Daddy took me into the kitchen. He told me that he’d taken Helen into hospital that day for a check up.

  “The doctor said that we are going to have to keep a close eye on Helen for the next few weeks. He said that it is difficult to tell whether or not they managed to get all of the tumor,” he signed to me.

  “How will we know?” I asked.

  “He said that he would like to do another scan when she is better.” I nodded, slowly.

  “What is it, Daddy?” He was avoiding looking at me.

  “She was complaining of headaches again today,” he said.

  “That’s okay. It’s nothing terrible.”

  “I’m worried, that’s all. I have a bad feeling.”

  “It’s fine.” I gave him a kiss on the cheek and went to join Helen on the sofa. I heard Daddy rise from his chair a while later but he didn’t come into the living room. Helen told me that she was feeling sick.

  “I’m sure it will pass,” I said. I frowned, thinking about what Daddy had said.

  He had been right. Helen had to go back into hospital two weeks later. It could not get any worse. Helen was too good to be reduced to this.

  This was the point in my life when everything was too much to handle. I threw myself into my school work and did barely anything else. My grades improved and my social skills plummeted.

  Helen spent the majority of her time going in and out of hospital. Daddy went with her. His whole career had been put on hold to ensure that Helen was okay and that I could continue with school. It was tough for all of us.

  After a while, I found that just doing my school work wasn’t enough. I tried many things; after school clubs, volunteer work, writing and even started smoking. Charlie went to town on me when she found out about that one. None of them lasted very long. It was just a phase. An attempt to distract myself from the reality of what was happening. Only when I finally accepted it did I inwardly collapse. I had exhausted myself from all the activities. I spent my time moping around the house. I tried to comfort Helen when I could but my mood simply reflected itself in her.

  I kept to my room a lot.

  Daddy came to see me one evening when I was watching a film. He sat on the end of my bed and I propped myself up.

  “How are you?” he signed.

  “Good, why?”

  “Don’t lie to me.”

  “I’m not.” He raised his eyebrow at me and I looked down at my hands. “I don’t know what to do with myself,” I answered eventually.

  “Explain.”

  “Helen needs so much comfort and attention and I want to give it to her but I just cannot be cheerful. I don’t know if I can see anything positive. All I can ever think about is losing someone else in the family and nothing has been the same since Mum died.”

  He studied me for a long moment. “Do you think Mum would have wanted everything to stay the same?” I shook my head. “Do you think Mum would have wanted you to be like this?” I shook my head again. “Jocelyn, you are a strong girl. You are stubborn and fierce when you want to be. You face everything head on and revel in it. Yes, Helen is very sick at the moment. She is not going anywhere. She is just as fierce and stubborn as you are. She will pull herself through. You need to have more faith in her.” He paused and I studied his face. He was right. After everything that had happened, he was right. I was amazed to see that he didn’t look as worn out as I thought he might. He looked fresh faced and ready to tackle the world. I smiled.

  “Would you like me to ask if Charlie can come and stay for the night?” he asked me.

  “Yes please,” I signed back. He smiled at me and then left the room.

  I sat thinking for a moment and mulled over what he’d said. I smiled at myself, climbed out of bed and began getting things ready for Charlie to come over. This time she would stay in my room.

  Chapter 15

  I’d been trying so hard to remain positive about everything but the black wave of negativity didn’t stay away for long. I realized that keeping myself cooped up in the house wasn’t working.

  I walked down the road, wrapping a scarf around me. A harsh wind was making the day a little colder than I liked. I didn’t bother picking flowers today. I didn’t have the energy in me. I watched my feet as I followed the overly familiar path.

  I didn’t look up at the sun. I didn’t notice the birds. I didn’t appreciate the clouds. I just walked. One step in front of the other until I was stood outside the graveyard. I looked past the railing in front of me at the rows of headstones. The metal fence was cool to touch and I just stood there, not being able to muster the strength to enter.

  I took a deep breath and pulled open the gate. It felt heavy and creaked loudly at the hinges. I stepped onto the gravel path and felt the small stones underneath my step. I made my way to Mum’s grave,
passing all the other unknowns. I stood looking down at it for a long time. My mind simply went blank. I was unsure what I was supposed to achieve by coming here. I didn’t really want to talk about it but I had to.

  I sat down in the grass with my legs folded underneath me. I let my hair fall across my face as I played with the green blades of vegetation around me. I sat in the silence that was my life and I waited. I waited for something, anything. I didn’t know what I wanted; I just wanted something to happen.

  I’d almost given up all hope. A shadow appeared on the ground next to me and I looked up but the glow of the sun behind them obscured their face. I didn’t know who they were. I didn’t want to talk to a stranger. They stepped around until I could see their face. It was Joshua.

  I didn’t know where to look but I knew I didn’t want to look at his face. I looked back at the grass I’d been fiddling with but he didn’t leave. He sat down next to me and waited. I guessed he was waiting for me to say something to him but I didn’t. I wouldn’t. I refused. Why should I be the first one to speak? He’s been here ages and still hadn’t made the effort to even acknowledge me.

  We sat in silence for a very long time. I don’t know how long but it felt like forever. Everything seemed to be so still and fragile, as if it would suddenly break should one of us move.

  The sun was beginning to set so I stood up and started to walk away. I felt him grab my wrist and I turned to face him, surprised. I looked at his torso. I couldn’t look at his face. I didn’t want to. He tilted my head up with the knuckle of his index finger.

  “What’s wrong?” he signed.

  “Now you want to talk to me?”

  “What?”

  “Leave me alone.” I couldn’t bring myself to spell out his name.

  “Jocelyn, please.” The expression on his face was so desperate. Something inside me snapped. “I am sorry,” he signed. My resistance gave way.

  “I do not want to talk to you. Why should I? You have done nothing but ignore me since you got back. You did not even tell me you were leaving you just disappeared!” I went to turn and walk away but he took a hold of my arm and pulled me towards him. He wrapped his arms around me and held me as close as possible. I couldn’t help myself. I’d needed him so bad. I just collapsed into him.

  When the first tear escaped, I couldn’t stop the others. I cried for a long time and he simply held me. He didn’t ask me anything, he just held me there.

  I finally pulled away from him and wiped my eyes. “Sorry,” I signed.

  “There is no need to be sorry. I should be the one saying it to you. I left because I had to. I did not know I was going until I got home that night after I saw you. I am sorry for everything.” He took both my hands in his and pulled me down on to the grass. We sat facing each other.

  “I got home that night and my auntie had written on the whiteboard that I was going home the following day,” he signed. “I had not been told about it all. I was so busy and then when I finally did get the chance to try and speak to you, I did not know how to. I wanted to send you a letter or speak to you or something but I did not know what I would say and in the end I presumed that you would not really miss me.”

  I watched his hands and I still felt empty inside. I didn’t know whether I could just accept this information. How did I know this was the same person that I’d practically given my heart to?

  “Jocelyn, please believe me.” I looked away when he signed my name. I couldn’t bear to look. He turned my face towards him. “I have not spoken to you because I did not know...you do not seem to be yourself recently and I do not know why.”

  As much as I tried to restrain myself, I couldn’t help but tell him everything. I told him all about Helen. I left out the part about him and just focused on what was going on in my life at that point in time.

  He sat and listened to me. I don’t know how much time had passed but the sun was at its lowest point in the sky. It wouldn’t be long until it disappeared beyond the horizon.

  “I need to get home,” I signed. He looked at his watch and nodded. We both stood up. I stopped for a moment and turned around to Mum’s grave. I ran up to the headstone and kissed the cold granite. I paused for a moment, hoping that she could hear my thoughts. I promised her I would come back soon.

  We made our way down the road towards my house. I let Daddy know I was home so he wouldn’t worry and then sat next to Joshua on the porch steps.

  “Why did you come back to me?” I asked.

  “Charlie came to see me. She gave me a telling off and wouldn’t even let me explain,” he answered. I smiled weakly. I was unsure how I felt about Charlie stepping in like that but I guess someone had to at some point. “I really am sorry, Jocelyn.” He took my hand and lifted it to his lips. “Can you forgive me?”

  “I don’t know,” I replied slowly. “You really upset me.”

  “I know I did. I am so sorry. I cannot say it enough.” We sat in silence for a while. I leaned my head on his shoulder. I didn’t have the heart in me to continue being annoyed at him.

  “How are you feeling?” he asked after a while.

  “Okay, why?”

  “No, I mean about Helen?”

  “I don’t know. I’m finding it difficult.”

  “What are you doing with your time?”

  “Nothing. I go to school. I come home. Sometimes Charlie stays over.”

  “Come with me.”

  “Where are we going?”

  “Not far, don’t worry.” He took my hand and led us out into the field out front. He lay down in the grass and indicated that I should do the same. The temperature was beginning to drop and I could feel the goose bumps on my arms. “What do you see?” he asked me.

  I looked at him, puzzled and then back at the night sky. It was a clear cloudless night and all the stars looked down on us. “Some stars?”

  “Look again,” he said. “Look at the shapes and the pictures you can draw. Can’t you see them?” I looked again but all I saw were the sparkling dots millions of miles away. I shook my head. He lifted his finger into the air and drew shapes. He followed imaginary lines from one dot to the next. I shook my head again. “What about here?” He pointed to the moon.

  “It’s the moon.” Joshua sat up and studied my face.

  “Okay. I’ve had an idea. Tomorrow we have serious work to do.”

  “What are we going to do?”

  “You’ll see. Come on; let me get you inside before you freeze to death.” He walked me to the door and there was an awkward moment before he said goodbye. Neither of us knew how to handle the situation. I gave him a kiss on the cheek and went indoors.

  Chapter 16

  I didn’t know what to expect the next day. I regretted telling him everything. I didn’t want him to be involved in my life if it meant he would disappear again. I came to the conclusion that I would give him that one weekend to prove himself and afterwards I would decide what to do.

  He arrived at the house bright and early that Saturday. Helen had noticed my attitude and had asked what was going on. I couldn’t explain to her so I told her I was going out and would be back later to read some stories to her. I didn’t want her or Daddy knowing about Joshua. Daddy, especially, would worry all day. He knew how badly I’d been hurt even if I’d tried my best to hide it.

  I’d been looking for Joshua out the window, that way I could get to the door without anyone else knowing he was there. Daddy was upstairs looking after Helen. I stepped out the house and closed the door behind me before Joshua could say anything.

  We walked down the road in silence.

  “What did you want to do today?” I asked.

  “We’re going to go to the park.”

  “The park? Why?”

  “You’ll see.” After that Joshua occupied the silence with small talk. I answered him when he asked me a question but apart from that, I didn’t say much.

  The park was about twenty minutes from my house and when we finally got
there, it wasn’t that busy despite the warm weather. Joshua held open the gate for me and I walked in, puzzled.

  We went and sat on the swings. He asked me what I thought about the day.

  “It’s nothing special,” I replied. He shook his head at my response.

  “Describe this park to me,” he said. I paused before describing the scene before me.

  “Is that really what you see?” I nodded. “Look closer. Do you not see the dents from years of being played with? From the hundreds of children that have come through here? The smiling faces that would have enjoyed every second of running around?”

  I listened to what he said and tried to picture the busy image he painted. I could almost make out all the children but no matter how hard I tried I couldn’t see their faces and in a moment the whole image was gone. I looked down at my feet. I knew what he was getting at now. My positivity and joy had gone. I had been so amazed at his inability to be able to see the beauty around him and now I was the one who couldn’t see it.

  Joshua pointed across the park. There were two boys running and playing tag. They were laughing and shouting at each other. A little girl ran over to join in the fun and they all weaved and ducked between the play things in order to avoid each other. I gave a small smile and then looked away. I didn’t like looking at them enjoying themselves. Helen wasn’t able to be like that and they simply reminded me of her.

  “I’m sorry,” I signed.

  Joshua stood up from the swing, took my hand and led me to the other side of the park. He lay down on the patch of grass that was left there and tugged on my arm. I lay down next to him.

  “Tell me what stories the clouds have to tell today,” he said. I looked up at the white fluffy things high above me in the sky. They didn’t look like much, just white fluffy things.

  “I don’t know,2 I replied.

  “You have to try, Jocelyn.” He lifted his finger into the air and traced imaginary images. “That one is a dragon, can you see it?” I squinted at the clouds and tried to make them fit the shape he described. “What about that one? That is a flower.” I could see that one a little more clearly but only when he mentioned it. On its own it was just a white lump. He pointed out other shapes. A clown, rabbit, a cave man. “Look at that one,” he signed. “It’s a perfect love heart.” That one I could see. It was impossible to miss. It stood on its own, separate from the other clouds.