The Fullness of Quiet Read online

  “That one looks like fire,” I signed. Joshua looked at me and smiled. I couldn’t help but smile back. He looked past me and the expression in his eyes changed. Before I could turn and look, a black Labrador had bounded between us and was desperately trying to lick my face. I burst out laughing and tried to push the slobbering face away from me. It turned and launched itself at Joshua, pinning him to the ground. We were both laughing so much. The owner came over and called the dog away, apologizing.

  We lay back into the grass, still laughing. I studied Joshua’s face. He hadn’t changed that much when I thought about it. His attitude toward life was certainly different but his face was the same. The way he laughed, the way he smiled and the way he signed were all exactly as I remembered them.

  He stopped laughing and returned my intense gaze. I knew he was studying me in the same way but I couldn’t force myself to look away. I didn’t want to. His eyes were just as I remembered them. Always so sensitive and you could tell when he was closed off from others but for that moment in time, they were open and ready to tell me all his secrets.

  I reached out a hand and ran it through his hair. The familiarity of everything about him was overwhelming and yet comforting at the same time. ‘I knew this person’ was what my heart was telling me ‘but he’d already hurt me once’ was my mind’s reply.

  I pulled my hand away and sat up. Joshua lay still for a few more moments before getting to his feet and helping me up. He took my hand and led me out of the park.

  “Where are we going now?” I asked him. He just winked at me.

  He led me to a small stream not too far away. It was shallow and the banks weren’t too steep. He sat on the grass and pulled up his jeans. He then took off his shoes and socks and left them by a tree. I watched him walk straight into the water without hesitation.

  “You’re crazy,” I signed. He laughed.

  “Come one,” he encouraged me.

  “No way.”

  “Do I have to force you? I will dunk you in this stream if you refuse.”

  I held my hands up in surrender before sitting down, taking my shoes and socks off and rolling up my jeans. I stood at the edge of the bank, looking at the crystal clear water. He came over and took my hand, helping me in case I slipped.

  The water was freezing cold. I looked at Joshua and he laughed at my expression. I wasn’t particularly impressed with him at that moment. He waded further out into the stream and indicated I should follow him. I was careful to place my feet on steady ground; I didn’t want to slip.

  “Look.” He pointed into the water and there was a group of the smallest fish I had ever seen. I peered closer, holding Joshua for support. I dipped my hand in the water and they all darted off in opposite directions.

  Joshua did the same but a moment later when he pulled it out, a small black snail was clung to his finger. I stroked its shell and touched its body. The snail recoiled into its home and refused to come back out. I laughed.

  “We should go.” I nodded in agreement. He put the snail back in the water and led the way to the bank. As he was climbing up onto dry ground, the bank gave way under his weight and he slipped back into the water. I laughed so hard. He was on his hands and knees and was soaked to the bone. The expression on his face was pure shock. He got to his feet and turned to look at me laughing. He narrowed his eyes and then bent down, cupped his hands in the water and sprayed me in the face. I stopped laughing.

  Before he could do it again, I mimicked his move and before we could stop ourselves, we were having a water fight that resulted in him picking me up and throwing me into the water. We eventually climbed out onto the bank, both dripping wet and breathing hard.

  I rolled over onto my side to face him. He bent his face close to mine and kissed me. I froze and pulled away. We both looked at each other. Neither of us had expected it and I could see he regretted it.

  “I’m sorry,” he signed. “I forgot...” He didn’t finish his sentence. I knew what he was getting at though. He forgot that we’d been apart. Forgot that everything was so different now. He helped me to my feet. “We should go back to mine and dry off. It’s closer than yours. I will give you some clothes to borrow for now.”

  Chapter 17

  I’d never visited Joshua’s house. He was temporarily staying with his aunt again but I’d never been invited over. I’d never really wanted to be if I was honest. The small amount he had told me about his aunt made me feel intimidated. I was so used to being in an environment where everyone was used to me being deaf that to suddenly encounter someone who lived with a deaf person but paid them no heed was just upsetting.

  “Everyone is out today,” Joshua signed to me. “They have gone to visit a friend and will not be back before dinner.” I nodded. From the outside the house looked huge. It was a semi-detached urban building made from plain bricks. The door was green and surrounded by shrubbery. The path leading to the door was flat and even. Flowers and other greenery lined the fence, the wall and everything else it could. It looked homely.

  Joshua led me down the path and then he turned right. He approached the gate for the back garden and reached over the top to unhook the bolt. The gate swung open and we walked in. I closed the gate behind me and followed Joshua round the back; he pulled out a key and unlocked the French doors that led into the kitchen.

  “Wait here, I will go and get some dry clothes for you.” I nodded. To my surprise he pulled his t-shirt up over his head, unzipped his jeans and left them in a wet pile on the floor. He didn’t even look at me, which was just as well because I was pretty sure my mouth was hanging open. He walked into the house in his wet boxers that clung to his bum cheeks. His body was well defined and it was clear that he’d been to the gym regularly. He had broad shoulders and a narrow waist. Muscles flexed down his back as he walked.

  I didn’t know where to look. I couldn’t take my eyes off him but I knew if he turned round and caught me staring I would be mortally embarrassed. I was shocked to the extreme. Not only had I not expected him to just take his clothes off, I didn’t expect to see such a muscled body underneath. When I thought about it, I wasn’t sure what I expected.

  I was looking at the garden when he came back out. I was comparing all the flowers. There were so many of them in so many colors. They really were beautiful. Joshua came back out fully clothed and for some reason I felt a tiny bit disappointed. He was dressed in a pair of jeans and a loose zip-up jumper but it was clear he wasn’t wearing a top underneath.

  He handed me a pile of clothes. “I’ll wait inside,” he signed. Not knowing what I would want to wear, he’d brought me an array of items: a pair of old jeans, a pair of sweatpants, a t-shirt, a jumper, a pair of shorts and a pair of thick socks. I decided to wear the sweatpants and the jumper with the socks. I was starting to get cold and I didn’t want to end up shivering.

  Joshua appeared round the corner just as I was about to lift my t-shirt up. My stomach was exposed for a moment and he paused mid-sign. I quickly pulled down my top.

  “I was going to say that I can dry your underwear first and then everything else second so at least that way you’re comfortable.” I smiled.

  “That’s smart.” He winked at me and disappeared. I turned my body away from the house. It was the most privacy I could get. My clothes were stuck to me and I had to struggle to get them off. It was at the point that I was trying to get my t-shirt over my shoulders when I eventually got stuck.

  I looked over my shoulder to see Joshua had walked into the kitchen.

  “Can you help me please?” I signed. He laughed but came over to help. He stood in front of me and pulled the clinging material up and over my head. He was taller than I remembered and I only noticed it then because I was suddenly looking up into his eyes. He hesitated and then bent his head down to kiss me. My whole body was tingling. He dropped my t-shirt on the ground, placed a hand on my back and the other on my neck. He pulled me close and held me there, paused in that moment.

&nb
sp; The whole situation was very surreal. I was stood there in my bra and jeans and him in that zip-up. Neither of us moved for a very long time. We knew what would happen if one of us stepped away and it was only a matter of time before it did. It was me. I stepped away from him and picked up his t-shirt form the pile of clothes he’d given me. I slipped it on over my head and took my bra off underneath. The top was so big that it came just low enough for me to take of my jeans and knickers without feeling too exposed. I shoved on the sweatpants and then helped Joshua pick up all the wet clothes. They were covered in leaves and other bits from the floor but he said it would all come off once they were dry.

  He walked into the kitchen and stuck all the clothes into the tumble dryer. We stood watching it for a few minutes before Joshua asked me if I wanted to watch a film. I nodded. A film sounded like a good idea, besides I couldn’t go home until my clothes were dry.

  He led me into the living room and it wasn’t exactly big but it was cozy and big enough for a group of people. Joshua opened the cupboard to the right of the TV to reveal rows and rows of DVD cases. I stared, amazed. The only place I’d ever seen that many films was in Blockbuster.

  “Yes, they have quite a few,” he signed. He smiled at me, clearly impressed with my reaction. I wandered over to the films and ran my finger along the brightly colored spines. There were a few I recognized but so many that I hadn’t even heard of. “Have you seen Die Hard?” he asked. I shook my head. “We have to watch it!” I laughed. Clearly I wasn’t educated enough in the film department.

  He reached up to the top shelf to fetch down the DVD case and I watched his muscles stretch and his body arch upwards. I turned away and went to settle myself on the sofa. The distance between us would help me to clear my mind. He was making all my thoughts seem fuzzy and I didn’t feel particularly comfortable about it.

  I watched him as he set up the TV and then the DVD. He muted the sound, sorted out the subtitles and then came and sat next to me. He left enough space so I didn’t feel uncomfortable but not so much that I didn’t feel his presence right there.

  The film was good but I can’t honestly say that I paid much attention to it. About half way through, Joshua got up to go check on the tumble dryer and the swirl of confusion that spiraled through my mind in those few moments he was gone were just indescribable.

  I tried to organize my thoughts but I wasn’t successful. Instead, I focused my attention on Bruce Willis who was running all over the place firing his gun.

  “The clothes are dry,” he signed when he came back in the room.

  “Good. I’ll put mine on. They’ll keep me warm,” I answered. Joshua nodded. I walked into the kitchen to find that he’d folded our clothes into two piles on the kitchen table.

  I watched the rest of the film after I was dressed and then I left to go home but no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t stop thinking about him and I knew I was being foolish but the emotions were much stronger than what I remembered of them from before.

  Chapter 18

  Joshua insisted on walking me home and we walked most of the way in silence. I was under the impression he was trying very hard to please me after the heartache he’d put me through.

  I looked up at the sky as we walked and noticed the array of colors from the setting sun. The pinks, blues and purples. Before we’d left the house, Joshua had shown me the painting that I had done for him of the sunset and I cast my mind back to the bright colors of the image. I was touched that he had kept it. I admit though I would have been upset if he hadn’t. I thought of the day we’d spent together and how he’d so easily revived the spirit in me. He’d shown me the things that I had once appreciated and no longer noticed. I smiled to myself.

  “What are you thinking?” He signed to me.

  “Nothing. Why?”

  “You’re smiling to yourself.” My smile grew wider.

  “I was thinking how much I appreciate everything you’ve done for me today,” I signed. I put my hand in his and he squeezed gently. We walked in silence. The silence that was our lives. The silence that never left.

  I realized how slow we were walking and it was all because I secretly didn’t want to go home. I wanted to stay with him and enjoy the moments but despite that, I was still wary of him. He had, after all, deserted me at the point when I thought it would have been impossible.

  We stood awkwardly outside my front door. I didn’t know what to do and he didn’t know what to say. I avoided looking at his face because I knew he was staring straight at me. When I eventually looked up, his gaze was so intense I couldn’t look away.

  “Jocelyn, I’m so sorry for everything that has happened. For abandoning you, for your sister getting ill, for everything.”

  “Thank you.” I expected him to lean in and try to kiss me. I’d been thinking how I would handle the situation if he did but to my surprise he simply turned and walked away. There was no promise of seeing me soon, there was no flirting, there was no imposed conversation. He just left, like he did over a year ago. I watched him walk away before entering my house.

  There was no-one downstairs so I assumed Daddy was tucking Helen into bed. I gently opened the door to her room to see him sat on the bed talking to her. She looked so frail but at least there was a little bit of color back in her cheeks. They both looked up as I entered, a smile spread across Helen’s face.

  “Can you tell me a story, please,” she asked. I nodded in reply. Daddy smiled. I lip read as he said his goodnight to Helen and then left the room.

  I went and settled myself in Daddy’s space on the bed. I could feel the warmth that he had left there. “Have I ever told you the story of Beauty and the Beast?” I asked. Helen shook her head.

  “Once upon a time there was a rich Prince. He was greedy and ungrateful. His parents encouraged him to take a wife but he refused, saying that he needed no such thing. One rainy, stormy night, an old Woman visited the castle and asked the Prince to give her shelter for the night. In return she would give him an enchanted rose. The Prince refused. The old Woman warned him that if he did not shelter her for the night then there would be a consequence but still the Prince refused.

  “At that moment, the old Woman transformed into a beautiful Enchantress and the Prince begged for her forgiveness but she told him that she would not forgive him until he learnt the meaning of true beauty. She cast a spell on the entire castle and turned him into a Beast. She gave him the rose and said that if he had not found someone he loved that loved him in return by the time the last petal falls on his twenty-first birthday, then he would remain a Beast forever.

  “The Prince lived in his castle, alone for many years as the ugly Beast the Enchantress had turned him into. One day, a poor Man ran through the gates in order to escape the forest ghouls and the Beast threw him in the dungeons. He had little patience with anyone, his temper was easily provoked.

  “A beautiful young Girl came looking for the old Man, her father, after his horse had returned home without him. She made her way into the castle and found her father in the dungeons. At that moment the Beast made an appearance and told her to go away. She pleaded for him to let her father go and take her in his place. The Beast agreed, seeing this as a way out of his curse.

  “At first, the young Girl refused to see the Beast. To her, the castle was her prison. She finally ventured from her room to explore the castle and came face to face with the Beast. He was gentle and as patient as he could be with her and the Girl grew to like the Beast. They spent time together and she taught him many things.

  “One day, the Girl decided to explore the castle and came across a rose in a glass box. A glowing petal slowly drifted to the floor of its case. The Beast appeared, enraged that she had seen his secret and told her to leave. Before she left, he gave her a mirror and said that should she ever wish to see him, he would appear in the glass.

  “The Girl left the castle immediately and returned home. When she got home she found that the people in her village had put
her father in an asylum for crazy people. She proved that the Beast he was talking about was real by showing them the mirror. When the Villagers saw the Beast they grabbed their torches and pitchforks and made their way to the castle after locking the young Girl in her basement.

  “The Girl forced her way out and rushed to the castle to save the Beast. After the battle and when the Villagers had left, the Girl found the Beast lying on the floor next to the glass case of his precious flower. Overwhelmed by his death she sobbed and declared her love for him. At that moment, a bright light shone all around and the ugly Beast turned back into the handsome Prince and they lived happily ever after.”

  “I like that one!” said Helen. “That was amazing. Why did the Girl love the Beast if he was ugly?”

  “She got to know the person behind the appearance and found that his personality was beautiful. That is what she fell in love with and when you fall in love with a personality, the looks become beautiful too.”

  “Is that what happened with Joshua?”

  “What?’”

  “You love Joshua don’t you?” I didn’t answer. “Is it his personality that you love?”

  “I think that’s enough for one night, it’s late and you need some sleep.”

  “It’s not that late.”

  “Quiet now.” Helen settled down in her bed and I kissed her goodnight before turning off the light. I stood outside her door a moment, composing myself. I knew Helen was perceptive but I was amazed, again, at how much she understood the world around her. I didn’t know if I loved Joshua. At one point in time I would have been adamant, but now I was unsure.