The Fullness of Quiet Read online

  I made my way downstairs and found Daddy in the living room. I went over and gave him a hug. I’d missed him these past few weeks. We’d barely spoken what with Helen being ill and me being in such a distant place.

  “How are you?” he asked me.

  “Better,” I replied.

  “How’s Joshua?” Everyone kept catching me by surprise today. Maybe I was so far into my own world that I was forgetting to notice the one around me.

  “He’s good,” I replied. “He cheered me up a lot.”

  “I can tell. I know it’s not my business, Jocelyn, and I know that he has hurt you in the past but I’m sure it was not intentional. I think you should give him a chance. I’m going to go to bed.” He lifted himself from his chair and kissed me on the top of my head. “I’m glad you’re feeling better. I love you. Goodnight.”

  I sat in the living room for a long time before finally going up to my room and even then I wasn’t really tired. My mind was wide awake with so many thoughts. I sat at my desk and began writing. After a while I scrunched up the piece of paper and threw it in the bin. This routine lasted for over an hour before I finally decided to put on a film and get into bed.

  In the morning my thoughts were finally arranged. After checking on Helen and finishing my homework for Monday, I sat at my desk and finished the letter I’d been writing. It was for Joshua and I knew that it was going to determine our future relationship.

  I found him before lessons began, stood chatting with his friends. I gave him the three-page letter and left without an explanation. The letter would explain enough without me adding to it. I avoided Joshua for the rest of the day and relied on fate to play out the events to come.

  Chapter 19

  I’m sat in a room that’s unfamiliar to me. I know it but somehow it’s a distant memory. The wallpaper is old and the flowers have faded. The furniture is old and worn. The fireplace has been replaced with an electric one and netting hangs in the window.

  My daughter walks into the room, carrying a tray with a pot of tea, two cups and a plate of biscuits. She’s in her mid-thirties and has two wonderful children, both boys. They’re somewhere in the house or the garden, playing.

  “How are you doing, Ma?” she signs to me.

  “Good, thank you,” I reply. My hands are shaking as I sign. I don’t like how I can’t control them as well. Every task takes that little extra effort and focus that I can’t afford to give it. Most of the time I give up and spill my drink but sometimes I don’t even know I’ve done it.

  I’m a lonely person. A widow. My husband died several months ago and it’s been taking some time to get used to. He was my sweetheart and the one man in life that I could trust with everything. He was my best friend and my secret-keeper. We’d been married fifty six years and in that time we’d had four amazing children.

  Annie was our oldest. She’s forty-eight now and has twins, a boy and a girl. She was always a shining star. Headstrong and determined. I always admired her spirit.

  James was our second. He’s forty-four and has a beautiful girl who had her seventh birthday last month. She reminds me so much of Helen. James is my only child that’s deaf. He unfortunately inherited my genes instead of his father’s.

  Sarah is thirty-nine and doesn’t have any children. She can’t. It was such a blow when she found out but we’ve always been there for her to support her when she needs us. We may not be a perfect family but we’re a close one.

  Helen is our youngest. She’s thirty-seven and sat opposite me now. She was named after my sister when she died from cancer. She’d spent so long fighting it and had done so well but every time she fought it off, it just came back. I was heartbroken when she passed away but I had Joshua and my children to look after and so I just got on with it. Daddy came to stay with us for a while but in the end he moved into a home. It was the best thing for him. He needed to be alone with his thoughts and our house was chaotic, what with so many children.

  There isn’t a day that goes by when I don’t think of Daddy and Joshua. I miss them so much but I know they’re with Mum and Helen and that they’ll all look after each other.

  I guess you want to know what happened after I gave Joshua that letter. Well he came to find me the next day and without even a moment’s hesitation, he swept me off my feet and kissed me. We went through College together and then University. We were inseparable. He was the true love of my life.

  I don’t regret anything in my life. I found my soul mate when I was seventeen and I never let him go. The only thing I wish I could change was his heart attack. It came so suddenly. That’s what the shock was. If it was an illness like Helen’s then it would have been better, at least I could have prepared myself and we could have said a proper goodbye but that isn’t the way it happened.

  Even after fifty-six years there is still so much that I want to say to him and feel like I never told him often enough. Like how much I love him. How much he means to me. How proud I am of everything he’s done and everything our children have done.

  I feel my eyes well up with tears and I don’t know where to look.

  “Ma?” Helen places her hand on top of mine. “Are you okay?”

  “I’m fine,” I sign back. “I was just thinking about your Daddy.”

  “I miss him,” she signs to me.

  I nod. “Yes. I miss him too.”

  * * *

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  If you’ve enjoyed this book, you’ll probably also like reading the following:

  Queen Anne’s Lace – a novel about family relationships

  Skolthan – a story of good and evil magic

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